Where I am..I am just looking at things that I am doing.. I do this blog because I like to do it. I love to write, I love to be able to express myself, and I just like it. There might be a time when I don’t like it, and then, I just won’t do it anymore. But, for now it is good for me, and I enjoy hearing from people who read my blog and it is a good way to connect with complete strangers and also some old friends! It is always just the thought in that day. The beautiful life we live is that we have the choice to continue to hold onto that thought or transform it into something we call better or worse! So, in a way this does feel personal for me, fully letting people see into my inner world, but in the next breathe… what I wrote 2 weeks ago may make no sense to me now, the question then lies, what does it matter if someone reads it because it is no longer me 
? I don’t know. For now, I keep writing…. 
Diet - salt water
apple and Brazilian nuts and tonic
shake with a wee bit to much
Spirulina bar
Raw food bar…. ooooh shoot ok I had two of them they were do damn goooooooood!
Raw Sauerkraut, 1/2 Avocado, Tomatoes, and a couple of olives. Interesting combo but it is what I felt like eating. Thought I should eat a salad, just didn’t want to today I guess.
Workout - I ran 3 miles this morning, felt really really gooooooood!
Body – YEAH! I got my period today. I am excited about that, it is a good 2 weeks late I think! But, really thrilled about it.. I think that my body is just adjusting to everything that I am doing! I have been eating really clean, and just taking good care of myself, and working out hard. There are just a lot of changes going on inside this divine body of mine. Something interesting that has happened is that above my upper lip it has become a bit darker than the rest of my skin. I was like what is going on…. Listen to how crazy this is … It can be from hormones being out of balance that it can create a subtle color change creating a bit of a mustache look going on… I never knew this…. And, also I talked to James out in California if you are Venice let me know I will hook you up with him he is amazing health practitioner, healer.. He said that it can do with the liver and bile as well, which messes with the hormones and all of that good stuff!! Interesting right? So, I just have to continue doing what I am doing and see what happens.. I am just more and more fascinated by the body daily!
Mind - My mind has had some great breakthroughs today.. Interesting but I feel lighter with having made some distinctions.. I woke up today and had the thought, I have had this dream, this dream of being a fitness model, personality, pro fitness competitor, in the magazines, the whole works! I have my idols who I have aspired to be. Yet, I never fully have gotten to that level of success I guess you could say. As, you can tell from my writings, my body, weight and food have been somewhat of a blessing and a hindrance in my life. So, I woke up today thinking.. “can’t I just BE Beautiful!” That’s it, be beautiful in my everyday life! That I don’t have to have an agent, have a portfolio and all of that jazz. I just really got that I don’t even like to get my nails done, I like to wear my sweats, I don’t want to be around big fake boobs all the time, and I don’t want to have to be tan all the time while I am competing! 
Soooo.. I was just trying to live into a future, a so called dream that I thought I wanted.. But, when I look at it, I am not so sure that it something that I am committed to.. I was just so attached that it has to show up like I wanted it to show up! I am giving up that attachment today! My commitment is that I feel amazing, I look amazing, I take exceptionally good care of my body, I train with the intention of doing my best, and pushing my body to new limits and awareness. Will I compete out of this commitment? I am not sure. Will I be a model? I am not sure. I am just going to live inside of that commitment daily and whatever shows up shows up! Today I just felt like a lot of pressure, make wrong, and guilt, was lifted from out of my head! Cheers to that!
Soul -In my heart today I feel…. Joyous.. I feel joyous because I know the inward journey that I am embarking on is more than the external world can comprehend. The peace that I am beginning to feel inside of me is more than any award!! I also, just feel a deep connection today to music, to dance, to art and to creativity. I feel that is inside of me more now than ever. I want to create beauty in the world. I also, want to preserve the beauty that is already here in the world, like nature. I am in awe of nature. The trees, the sky tonight the moon… I feel so connected to me, the world and love when I am out in nature! Also, I was planning on moving back to LA because that is where I had to be to push, force, my career!! But, I don’t think I want to live in LA. My heart feels a lot happier in less traffic, more trees, more nature and being by water. Doesn’t have to be the ocean either! I am ok with that!! My soul is alive and I am just doing what I like to do, and having whatever that may be right now in life be good, great and OK!
I am feeling… touched, moved, inspired.
Magic, Miracles and Serendipitous Moments…… I felt like today was magical all around. I am living a magical life!!
I am grateful for…. the moon, the sky, my mind body and soul, I am grateful for books! I am grateful for good music that moves me to a loving place! Thank You!
Final thought for the night.. It is cold here in Illinois and I am going to take a bath, read a book and allow my body to rest, since it is the 1st day of this miraculous cycle! Peace, Love and Light!
Filed under: My Diary
