Where I am… I am in a really awesome space right now!! The start of the morning was better than I was last night!! 
But it is all part of the process. There is always going to be life happening, life coming at us. There is no way to escape the outer world of people, responsibilities…. unless we go and live in cave and meditate. I know that may be some people’s path but as for me that isn’t where I am going to choose to go! 
But, to be honest there is a part of me that is still a bit cynical. There are so many people who just whine and whine about their lives and what is happening, and it just seems like there is such a poverty consciousness.. There isn’t enough.. I see laziness and I see people who feel entitled to something. Like what the hell did they do? Then they complain about what they don’t have? That to me is just like anything that you want you have to work for it. You have really be passionate about it, and love it! Not always looking for the easy way out, or the freebie shit.. That isn’t how this world works.. So, where I am guilty is that I know how hard it takes to become a fitness competitor and I have been training but not giving myself all to the sport.. And, wishing, and hoping that I would have the life of the top athletes… Knowing from being a top level athlete, I worked my ass off, I put in the time. I am not sure where I went a bit wayward thinking that it wouldn’t be that tough. But, it is a challenge and for me it is so worth it!! I am just in the space of whatever it takes to make it happen, there is always a way, if you really want it to be in your life..
Diet - I didn’t eat much this morning. I didn’t eat anything till about 3:45 and I had some cashews, then I had a raw food bar, and drank water, and a tonic drink today as well! I also had in the evening Ezekiel bread, honey and almond butter.
Workout – I did some stretching light stretching that is. Just was taking a break a bit from my mind and from training. Back at it tomorrow with 4 weeks left. This is when the fun begins!
Body – My eyes are tired… My body feels a bit tired too. That is why I gave it a rest today… I just feel a bit off balance, when my diet is off it throws off my body almost instantly!! I feel aware of the effects that my body plays in my life, and how important it is!
Mind- My mind has been low today from not wanting to get out of bed. To feeling excited, to feeling sad, to feel grateful, to feeling passionate.. In the last couple of weeks I have really had to simplify my dreams and my goals. Not give up on things. But I just have created this time-line of when things are to be done, and it is just taking too much of my life. I am not willing to sacrifice my life for the sake of my dreams. I want my dreams to be a big part of my life, not something separate…. I feel like I have been seduced by my mind that the grass is always greener on the other side. That once this happens, I will be happier, and then that, and it will all be good. But, who is to say that when I am living what I think is my dream, I get there and say oooh this isn’t for me? It isn’t about what I am doing as much as it is about what I think about what I am doing. It is the perception, the emotions, the feelings and the state of mind that is important rather than the actually ”thing”! So, working on giving up my ego mind and just being perfect right where I am now, doing what I am doing….
Soul – My soul has been touched today on many levels. Like I said I feel like I have allowed my mind to runaway with my life. Pushing me to have this big vision. Does this mean that I want to give up this big vision? Not at all. But, for me I feel that I started to push and push out of fear rather than out of sheer joy to have the opportunity to be doing what I was doing.. My mind has great ideas, and always wants to be the best, and right, and have that fame, prestige, power, and money…. That is what it is all about what can I get out of it.. I was chasing the ever elusive carrot! What I got today is that it is all good. That everything is perfect the way that it is. If I never win a contest, I am still worthy. If I am not the best at this or that, or I don’t do that, I am still important. That there is nothing that I need to prove… That I really enjoy the simple things in life. I love nature, I love drinking tea, taking baths, watching a child play, making someone smile. This is what touches me… Living a good simple life doing what I choose to do daily and do it for the love of it rather than to get somewhere… If I do it with intention, purpose, passion and to be of service the stuff my mind craves may just come to me out of how I am being in my everyday life, rather than me going out to find it, and to push and fight! So, my soul feels good, in perfect harmony with the way that I want to live my life…
I am feeling..positive, excited and simple and inspired now, earlier it was overwhelm, sadness, wimpy and not productive.
Magic, Miracles, and Serendiptous Moments….I had an amazingly powerful conversation with Joelle today. Thank You Beautiful! I watched the movie Flicka this afternoon. What a beautiful film. It was so divine that I watched it today. It hit me hard, and it could have been more perfect for me to go and watch it on a day like today. I allowed myself to be touched, moved and inspired, I also had tears in my eyes for most of the movie! Magic was that I really got things that really make me happy they are simple, like the sun, organic food, green living, baths, taking naps, hugs, and being loved and wanted, lighting candles…. That the other things aren’t what makes my heart sing… talked to Andrea today and Madison came up in the conversation, strangely enough it has come up a lot this week!? I also realized that my last volleyball game of my career was at UW- Madison! Funny isn’t it that I have been there, but didn’t think I had been there and such a powerful completion of a chapter of my life ended there….! hmmmm!
I am grateful for..Such a powerful support system! for health food stores, for movies, for my journal, for Joelle, for awareness and Osho’s teachings.
Final thought for tonight..Sometimes I think that I don’t know where I am going.. Then I stop and breathe, relax into my heart and I know exactly where I am going, and who I am! The power of mental control to let it go, to connect with that deeper intelligence is something that I aspire for daily. Yet it is an inner accomplishment that one on the outside may never see. The inside is where the battles are fought, and not rewarded on the outside like a new car, a new house, lots of money, fame, or awards.. It is inside that we must go, and it is us who must privately give ourselves permission to celebrate our own levels of mastery. This is where the good stuff is!!
Filed under: My Diary
